


To dust and stars and the ever after.

by xcourtney_chaoticx



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Old Married Spones?, Star Trek Secret Santa 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 07:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17075900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcourtney_chaoticx/pseuds/xcourtney_chaoticx
Summary: Moments in the relationship of Spock and McCoy.Some are happy, some sad, some painful, but all are important and wonderful in their own way.





	To dust and stars and the ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Star Trek Secret Santa 2018!
> 
> Gift is for tumblr user [lampshades-just-lampshades](http://lampshades-just-lampshades.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Beta'd by [bllbabaggins](http://bllbabaggins.tumblr.com/).
> 
>  
> 
> ~~j o i n t h e c u l t o f s p o n e s~~

Leonard steps off the transporter pad on the Enterprise, still feeling distinctly concerned. He’s never like transporters. There’s just something extremely disconcerting to him about having his atoms taken apart and scattered and put back together again. There were far too many philosophical conversations regarding them as well, such as if the reconstructed person was actually still the same person or just an extremely good copy and- well, suffice it to say, Leonard hates the transporter.

The captain greets him warmly, a handsome man, younger than him, with bronze hair and eyes like honey. Leonard has met him before and is very fond of him and his ideals. He’s the only reason he came to work on the Enterprise in the first place. Jim grins, asks, “How are you, Bones? Was your trip alright?”

“Until I got here and they scattered my damn body in that infernal machine there,” Leonard grouses, still smiling, “Can’t say I’m necessarily looking forward to shooting all over space, but it’ll be an adventure, I reckon.”

“That it will be… Come with me, and I’ll help you get settled in…”

Their first stop is Leonard’s new quarters. They’re more spacious than he expected but less spacious than he’s used to on Earth. Still, as the Chief Medical Officer, he does get his own bathroom ( _head_ , he thinks, _they call it the head on ships_ ) and they’re close to the medbay, which is their next stop. He’s pleased to see Nurse Christine Chapel is already there, setting everything up as she knows he likes it, both of them having worked together at Starfleet Academy Hospital for a year.

“Glad to see you made it, doctor,” she quips, “ and all in one piece.”

“C’mon, Chris, I haven’t even been aboard five minutes and you’re already crackin’ jokes.”

She laughs, lovely and deep, and Leonard can’t help but smile. She’s an excellent nurse and a wonderful friend. They should be able to keep the crew together. He also meets the other physicians, especially his second-in-command, Dr. Geoffrey M’Benga.

“A pleasure to meet you, Dr. McCoy,” he says, shaking his hand, “I very much look forward to working with you.”

“It’s a shared sentiment. As soon as I heard you were stationed here too, I felt better. I’ve read a lot of your work. Can’t believe you were able to study on Vulcan. They’re notoriously tight-lipped about their ways.”

“Believe me, I was as shocked as anyone else. Anyway, let’s get together and talk later, Dr. McCoy. I don’t want to hold up your grand tour.”

“Sounds good to me… and just call me ‘Leonard’. We’re colleagues.”

“Of course, Leonard. It’s ‘Geoff’.”

They bid each other farewell, and Jim leads him up to the bridge.

“We’re doing some final testing and stuff like that in order to prepare for the mission at hand, but I’d like you to meet some of the bridge crew, especially my First Officer,” Jim says, “They’re all incredible people, already get along very well. This is an amazing crew, Bones.”

“Why did you ever start callin’ me that anyway, Jim?”

“Bones? Not sure I even remember now… Probably because you’re an old sawbones, country doctor- ah, here we are. Welcome to the bridge.”

It’s certainly impressive. A large window/display screen dominates the front of the bridge, the stations all arranged in a semi-circle facing it. A larger chair sits in the center, clearly Jim’s chair. Crewmembers move all over the bridge, passing PADDs back and forth and looking into panels and calling down to Engineering for mini-tests of power distribution. It’s a hive of activity.

Behind them, a deep and measured voice states, “Captain, it is good you have returned. You should oversee final preparations and testing.”

“Of course, Mr. Spock. I’m showing around our new CMO. This is Dr. Leonard McCoy. Doctor, this is Commander Spock, my First Officer and Science Officer. He was on this ship with Captain Chris Pike and graciously agreed to stay on with me for a bit.”

Whatever Leonard was expecting the First Officer to be, a Vulcan wasn’t it. Spock is taller than both of them and well-muscled, standing ramrod straight in front of them. His sleek black hair is set in a sort of bowl cut that would look ugly on someone else but somehow suits him, his brows angular, his eyes dark and lidded. Leonard’s gaze is immediately drawn to the man’s ears, the tips swept up into delicate points. Something stirs in Leonard’s chest. He fights it down, simply greeting, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Commander Spock. I look forward to working with you.”

“And you, Dr. McCoy, though your services will hopefully not be needed.”

“I agree… Well, if y’all would excuse me, I’m gonna head back down to Medical and get myself more squared away.”

Jim and Spock both nod their assent, Spock wearing an infuriating sort of expression with one eyebrow raised, like Leonard confuses him in some way. Vulcans are a fairly confusing people themselves: highly secretive, excessively logical, completely unemotional. _Why in the world would a Vulcan join Starfleet anyway?_ The Vulcan Science Academy boasts a much higher prestige in the science world. Of course, a variety of scenarios start buzzing through Leonard’s head, each one worse than the last in terms of why Spock would be here instead of in the VSA. _Stop that. Chris Pike is no fool, and neither is Jim._

The whole first day, he can’t stop thinking about Spock, and that worries him. The last time he’d felt like this was when he’d met the woman who is now his ex-wife, and the heartbreak is still pretty fresh. Leonard isn’t ready to go through that again, not with someone who doesn’t have feelings and can’t possibly feel the same way for him.

He heaves a sigh as he starts to set up his desk in his little office, hoping this strange infatuation will be a passing thing.

xXxXx

“Doctor? May I speak with you?”

Spock’s voice is distorted by the speaker on the door, and as much as Leonard wants to be alone, he can’t refuse Spock. It’s so rare that Spock comes to him, after all. Leonard bids him enter. Spock is still in uniform, hands clasped behind his back in his typical fashion. Leonard has put himself on a couple days of rest to fully recuperate from his cordrazine overdose and crazy trip back through time. _And watching that woman die…_

The death of the woman called Edith Keeler had been explained to him just after their return, but he doesn’t feel any better about it.

“Well, Spock, what can I do for you?” Leonard finally asks when he doesn’t speak.

“I merely came to check on you, doctor. You were… very unwell the day before yesterday. You seem to be much better today.”

“Yes, well, Geoff helped me there. Gave me somethin’ to counteract the last of the cordrazine, and believe it or not, I put myself on bedrest for a couple days. I do feel alright, though. Should be back to work tomorrow.”

“I am glad to hear it.”

It’s an odd turn of phrase for the half-Vulcan, but Leonard says nothing about it. He simply waits for Spock to speak again, but he doesn’t. He remains silent, looking like he wants to speak but isn’t sure what to say.

“Spock, why don’t you have a seat? You’re givin’ me a sore back just lookin’ at ya standin’ like that…”

There’s a beat, then Spock obliges, elegantly dropping into a chair by Leonard, and after another half a minute, he speaks.

“I would like you to know, Dr. McCoy… I was quite worried for you.”

Leonard feels his heart skip a beat, a strange joy warming his whole body.

“Worry…” Leonard says quietly, no teasing in voice, “Isn’t that a human emotion, Spock?”

They lock eyes, Spock’s dark and blazing and filled with an unreadable emotion. Leonard’s heart skips again.

“Yes… Yes it is,” he murmurs.

Silence reigns over them for a long moment before Spock rises, saying, “I am glad you are well, doctor. I look forward to having you back at work.”

“Thank-… Thank you, Spock.”

Tomorrow, everything will be back to normal. They’ll bicker and argue and insult one another, but today… oh, today was lovely. It was a lovely look behind that logical mask Spock always wears.

xXxXx

He paces in his quarters, up and down and back and again and again, desperate to make sense of what happened on the planet below. Leonard understood most of what happened, of course. It was simple enough. He and Spock were sent back in time, which somehow messed with Spock’s mind and made him begin to revert to pre-Reform behavior. Really, it’s simple. It should be simple. It’s become anything but simple.

Leonard had treated Spock with his usual lack of tact, calling him ‘a pointed-eared Vulcan’ as he had so many times before. Spock had never made an issue of the epithet, seeming to take in stride as the form of affection Leonard intended. He made it an issue that day. He’d snatched Leonard up, a hand at his throat. It was primal and violent and shocking. It shook something free in Leonard. _Dear god, it gave me a hard-on…_

That’s why he’s pacing. He’d never ridded himself of the stupid crush and now he’s paying it for it. Spock certainly noticed it; he had to.

“God _dammit_ ,” Leonard mutters, finally pausing in his pacing, pressing the heels of his hands hard against his eyes.

He hasn’t even told Jim yet, and why would he? Everyone knows Jim and Spock are a thing. They’re closer than any two people on board the ship. That’s why Leonard tried to get rid of his infatuation, because he knows he’ll end up miserable watching the two people he loves most in the world love each other. Tears well up in his eyes and he fights them back. He’s angry and frustrated and tired, but he’ll be damned if he cries about it.

The door chimes and Leonard jumps, swears, demands, “Who in blazes is it and what do ya want?”

“It’s Spock. The captain wished me to check on you.”

Leonard swears again.

“I’m fine, Spock. Go away.”

“Jim told me you would say that. He insisted that I perform a visual check of your wellbeing.”

_Damn you, Jim Kirk._

“Fine then, you meddling-… Come in.”

He’s still pacing when Spock comes in, unable to hold in his nervous energy. Spock regards him passively, no expression, no words. He just stands there in his usual pose, hands behind his back, watching Leonard pace. It isn’t long before Leonard bursts out, “Well Spock, ya gonna say anything or just watch me like some creepy sorta hobgoblin?”

No reaction. Leonard swears under his breath, paces away from Spock, hears him say, “Please, doctor, I have done something to offend you.”

Turning back, he looks at Spock. He’s gazing at the floor, his posture more rigid than usual. He looks uncomfortable. Leonard sighs quietly, tells him, “No, Spock… you didn’t do anything… nothin’ I didn’t deserve anyway.”

“If you are upset with the way I-… I handled you-“

“I’m not upset, Spock. Like I said, I deserved it. I’m awful mean to ya a lotta the time. You had every right to shake me up a little.”

Spock shakes his head, “Incorrect. I should not have put my hands on you. I let the nature of the planet affect me. Had I been in my right mind-“

“That’s just it, you weren’t in your right mind, so let it go,” Leonard says, “and go tell Jim I’m fine.”

“I can do neither, doctor… for you are not fine. You are still agitated. Please, unburden yourself. I will listen and keep any secrets if you wish.”

_I can’t tell you that secret, Spock, or you’ll run screaming._

“I really am fine, Spock, I’m just-“

“Do not lie to me. If I am the cause of your distress-“

“Dammit, Spock, I can handle it!”

He regrets his outburst as soon as it’s over, knows how it sounds. His voice rings out in the small room, and once the last echoes fade, he mutters, “I’m fine. I really am,” casting his eyes down.

“You are not, Leonard.”

His voice is quiet, like thunder rumbling in the far distance, and he steps closer to Leonard, who was already struck by Spock’s use of his given name. It’s his turn to stand still as Spock approaches, unsure of what is about to happen.

“Am I the cause of your distress, Leonard?”

His voice is almost a murmur, nearly inaudible but almost deafening in the quiet of the room. Leonard is hypnotized. His voice fails him, so he simply nods.

“Is your distress related to what happened on the last mission?”

“Yes,” Leonard manages, “but it isn’t because you- you were violent… well, I s’pose it kind of is… ya see, Spock, when-… when you-you grabbed me… I-… dammit, I liked it.”

“Explain.”

Leonard’s heart is pounding in his chest, his emotions all over the place. He stammers, “I dunno what there is to explain. I-I liked it…”

He makes the mistake of looking up into those dark eyes, so full of concern and confusion and care, and he’s lost. Everything just pours out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

“There isn’t-… I dunno, Spock, I liked it! It-It-… It turned me on! Hell, you turn me on! All the damn time! Ever since we first met here on the ship, and- and then you did that and-… goddammit, Spock, I didn’t wanna tell you ‘cause I know how close you are with Jim and I don’t wanna break that up and I don’t even know why you’d like me anyway since I’m old and cranky and-“

“Leonard, please,” Spock speaks over him, “Stop.”

He can feel tears in his eyes again and _god_ dammit, he really needs to get it together. Spock’s face is impassive as ever. Leonard’s chest is painfully tight. Spock steps even closer, and he reaches out, settling his hands on Leonard’s biceps. He feels a rush of lust at the simple touch.

“It is true that I am close with Jim, but our relationship is purely platonic,” Spock says quietly, “It is true, as you have often said, that I have rarely known romantic or sexual attraction-“

“But you were in love with Zarabeth,” Leonard blurts out, regrets it immediately.

Spock simply shakes his head, replies, “No… No, I was not in love with Zarabeth. As we have both agreed, I was not in my right mind… and as I stated previously, just before we returned to the ship, that is dead and buried. So is Zarabeth… and that is how it should be. I was infatuated with Zarabeth, but I did not love her.”

Leonard can hardly breathe, his chest pounding and lungs constricted. Spock doesn’t speak for a long moment, finally says, “There is only one person I have ever been in love with.”

One of his hands slides down Leonard’s arm until their first two fingers are pressed together. A jolt of electricity shoots up Leonard’s nerves into his brain, making him gasp. He’s stunned.

“Leonard… that person is you.”

“Don’t- Don’t lie to me, Spock,” he whispers, “Please… Please, don’t lie-“

“It is not a lie. Perhaps I did not have the same automatic reaction at first sight, but I have come to love you very much… and I am very glad to hear you feel the same.”

Leonard’s tears are flowing now, his lip trembling, and he briefly rubs the pads of his fingers over Spock’s where they touch, sees him shiver.

“Is this a kiss, Spock? Our fingers like this? I remember watching your parents do it when they were on the ship.”

“Yes, this is a kiss. It is called the _ozh’esta_. Do you like it?”

“I like it… but I think I like our way better. C’mere, Spock…”

They lean in at the same time, and when their lips meet, it’s better than Leonard had ever imagined. His lips are cool and dry, something that would be concerning in a human but is just right for a Vulcan. They kiss languidly, their lips moving together slowly, luxuriously. Leonard has been waiting for this moment, and he senses Spock has, too. He brings a hand up to cradle the back of Spock’s head. His fingers slide through the silky black hair, and he feels himself smile. He pulls away from the kiss. Spock looks at him with concern.

“Don’t worry, Spock, I’m happy… I’m so happy I might bust into pieces.”

“I hope you will not. That would leave me quite a mess to clean up.”

And Leonard laughs, rich and belly deep, so happy that all his fears have gone unfounded, that his dreams seem to have all come true. He lets his fingers stroke over Spock’s scalp, looking into his eyes.

“Spock… I mean it. I am very, _very_ happy,” he says seriously.

“As am I.”

They kiss again, deeper this time, Spock’s tongue sweeping into his mouth and making him moan with pleasure. _God, I love him._ Leonard’s heart leaps with joy. Despite its passion, their kiss feels a bit shy. It’s something they’ve both waited so long for, and neither one wants to ruin it. Their fingertips still touch, linking them in two ways. It’s perfect.

Only when they’re both desperate for more air do they part, their lips and noses still close enough to brush.

“I love you, Spock,” he murmurs, “I can’t believe I get to say that to you… I love you.”

“The sentiment is mutual. I never believed I would be able to tell you of my feelings for you. You will appreciate the very human phrase… I have dreamed of this moment, Leonard.”

He grins again, a quiet laugh bubbling up and out, and he can’t help himself. He pulls Spock in for another kiss.

xXxXx

All his worst fears have come true. He watches Spock die there in the warp core, watches the radiation take its toll, and it’s almost unfair to him that Jim is talking with him and he is not. _But Spock isn’t mine anymore._ That ended some five years ago when Spock decided to leave to purge himself of all emotion. Leonard had raged over that for quite a while, finally needing to be talked down by Jim and Scotty. Even when Spock came back, they shied away from each other somewhat, and Leonard began to think perhaps Spock and Jim were becoming more than platonic. Jim assured him otherwise, and Leonard certainly could not begrudge them their close friendship.

He’s coming close now. This was not supposed to happen. They were supposed to win, everyone was supposed to live, just as always. Now…

Now Spock is dying before his eyes, and there’s nothing he can do about it, no way he can help. Leonard tries to hold his emotions back for as long as possible. Jim is obviously heartbroken, and only he knows how heartbroken Leonard is right now. Eventually, he and Scotty lead Jim out of Engineering and to his quarters, but once they’re there, Leonard can’t hold back anymore.

He slides to the floor, weeping heavily, overwhelmed by his heartache. Jim and Scotty seem content to let him have his moment until he whacks his head against the metal wall and, relishing the moment of physical pain, tosses his head back several more times before Scotty can finally intervene. They help him up and over to a couch.

“I still love him, Jim,” Leonard sobs, “I still love him. Why-?”

He doesn’t really know what he wants to ask. Why did Spock have to die? Why wouldn’t he talk to Leonard at the end? Why didn’t he love him anymore? Each one is worse and more heartbreaking than the next, and Leonard just dissolves into tears again. He’s barely aware of the other two. No matter how much he loves them, they are not Spock. That’s who he wants, who he cannot have no matter how hard he begs and cries. Scotty just rubs his back, unsure if what to say. Jim holds him close, stroking his hair, his fingers occasionally brushing over his ear and cheek.

“I love him so much,” he murmurs once he’s exhausted himself.

“I know you did, Bones,” Jim replies softly.

For a moment, Leonard is perplexed as to why Jim uses the past tense. He can almost feel that Spock is still with them, as ridiculous as that is. He fights off another wave of sadness and tears.

“I’m goin’ to go check on the engines, cap’n,” Scotty speaks up, “Little work will be good for me. Tell me if ye need anything.”

“We will, Scotty, thank you.”

The engineer leaves, and once the door shuts, Jim tells Leonard in no uncertain terms that he’s staying with Jim overnight so they’re together. Leonard is grateful for it, for not having to be alone at this time. In the morning, there will be time to deal with everything, to go back to work, to handle their duties. For now… now they mourn a man they loved.

xXxXx

“ _I’m gonna tell you something that I never thought I’d hear myself say… But it seems I’ve missed you… and I don’t know if I could stand to lose you again._ ”

“ _I choose the danger._ ”

They’ve had a whole time-traveling adventure since Spock was brought back from the dead. It’s one week since they’ve brought some whales to the 23rd century, a few months since they pulled Spock’s _katra_ out of Leonard’s mind and put it back in Spock, a few more still since he died. Leonard still shivers when he thinks of Spock dying.

He’s in his apartment alone, listening to music, when the door chimes, and without thinking, he rises to answer it. It’s probably Jim or Scotty, his usual companions for evenings of sipping whiskey. He’s surprised to see Spock there.

“Hello, doctor. May I come in?”

Leonard feels a twinge at being called ‘doctor’ but steps aside, allowing the half-Vulcan into the apartment. He sweeps in, still elegant and graceful, once more dressed in a Starfleet uniform.

“What can I do for you tonight, Spock? I wasn’t expecting ya.”

“I know. I… I came to apologize to you.”

“Apologize? For what?”

“May we sit?”

He simply sweeps out his arm, gesturing to the couch, he and Spock sitting beside each other. Spock is silent for a long moment. He doesn’t look at Leonard. _Give him time… he’ll talk when he’s ready and not before._

“I must apologize for my behavior toward you over the last few years,” Spock finally says, “I was not kind to you. I told you I loved you and then abandoned you without notice. When I returned, I pretended that love had meant nothing to me, and worse, that it meant nothing to you. I should not have done that. Jim-… Jim expressed to me how distressed you were at my death.”

“Yes… I wanted to be with you, wanted be the one to talk to you and comfort you,” Leonard replies, “I was mad for a while… mad I didn’t get that time with you.”

“You were with me, though. Some of your emotions from that moment are embedded in my _katra_ , and I remember them as if they were my own. I am sorry.”

“You don’t hafta be sorry, Spock-“

“I do. My behavior was reprehensible. I have had time to meditate on the situation, on my past… on our past,” he says quietly, “I wish to stop pretending.”

Leonard feels transported back ten years, to their first confession of love there in Leonard’s quarters. They pretended for years, pretended their feelings didn’t exist or weren’t as deep as they thought.

“Though I may have acted otherwise, you must know that I never stopped loving you,” Spock explains, finally looking at Leonard, “Never, not even during my _Kolinahr_. When I was dying, you were chief in my thoughts. When I was returned to life and my memories, it was you who I remembered first.”

“Why didn’t you speak to me?”

“I remembered pretending… but I could not remember what pretending was. I assumed there was some reason we were not on the terms my mind remembered, however vaguely, and so I acted accordingly.”

“I was very worried about you, Spock.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me for my behavior, Leonard?”

He replies immediately, “Of course, darlin’, why wouldn’t I? I never stopped lovin’ you, either.”

Spock offers him one of his rare smiles, and Leonard’s chest is tight with emotion. He reaches out for Spock, their hands meeting in the _ozh’esta_ , a position so familiar for them. Peace washes over Leonard. Everything is right again. Spock is with him. Spock loves him.

“I missed you… I missed you very much, Spock.”

“I missed you as well, Leonard. Thank you.”

Leonard leans in and captures Spock’s lips in a tender kiss, realizing how desperately he missed this man, how much he loves him. The cool mouth welcomes him, lips parting eagerly for his tongue. Their kiss quickly heats, turning passionate and heady, leaving them panting and gasping and moaning. Lips trail over jaws and cheeks and throats, as far as clothing will allow.

“I hardly think the couch is the best place for us to get reacquainted, darlin’, hmm?” Leonard teases breathlessly.

“A most logical assessment, _ashayam_. Have you somewhere else in mind?”

“Well, I’ve got a bed. I think that’s a pretty damn good spot, don’t you?”

“I do indeed.”

“Hey, what’s that word mean anyway? The one you said before?”

“ _Ashayam_?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“It is merely the most logical and fitting term for you, Leonard,” Spock says, smiling, “It means ‘beloved’.”

Leonard doesn’t wait until they’re in the bedroom to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from a poem called '[Vows (for a gay wedding)](https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/vows-gay-wedding)' by Joseph O Legaspi


End file.
